Category: Relationships

I’m sorry someone you loved abused your trust. It can be hard to rebuild enough trust to connect with other people after an event like that. I recommend talking to someone at Counseling Services (bit.ly/BC-counseling) or Campus Ministry (bit.ly/bc-pastoral-counseling) to help you rebuild the capacity for trust and creating loving, nurturing, and mutually-beneficial relationships.

Well, you already know about Professor Cronin, so you could try following her advice – or just take it from me, a Wall who has seen many things; the daily details of building a relationship may change a bit through the ages, but people will continue to need other people. Be brave, but also patient. Wishing you love.

A certain number of people will like, dislike, and be indifferent to you after they’ve gotten to know you a little. The trick is to make sure more people get the introduction. It’s a much better idea to be yourself than to try to make yourself into what you think someone else thinks they want. Be patient, be kind to yourself. The Wall assures you that there are many possible someones for everyone. So: go say hi to one new person today, or say hello to someone you’ve talked to before. Talk to them about anything other than whether you like each other. Tomorrow: repeat.

Tell him. Friendship is about honesty; if you don’t, your friendship will suffer. But it’s possible he’s quite committed, so be prepared for disappointment. And in case of disappointment, be prepared to help return your friendship to an even keel, because telling him shouldn’t mean the end of a friendship. (Also: better that his resolve be tested now than after he goes through all the work to become a priest!)

Politely. And preferably without a cheesy line – those don’t tend to go over well in most situations. I always recommend asking someone to hang out over coffee on a first date. It’s low pressure, can be short if it’s not going well, long if it is, and there are no awkward moments where someone has their mouth full of food trying to answer a question. Although I will admit to liking the line, “If you were a library book, I would check you out.”

Yay! It’s wonderful to find someone you find attractive on the inside and out.

What you need is walls. 4 of them is best. And a door that closes and locks. Failing that, find shadows and places with low foot-traffic if you don’t like sudden surprises. I’m rather stationary, myself, and my assistants are all blessed with their own walls and doors, so I don’t have any first- or second-hand experience. I recommend asking other humans in the same boat.

Ouch. Breakups are hard. Have you heard of Suzy Welch’s Rule of 10-10-10? One of my helpers told me about this gem found on oprah.com (bit.ly/welch-10-10-10) Basically if you’re in a tough spot about a decision and you feel like you can’t make everyone happy, think about the consequences in 10-10-10. How will this decision make you feel in 10 minutes, in 10 months, and in 10 years. Be well.

Ask yourself the question, “What conditions would need to be met for me to be open about my feelings & needs?” If you don’t think those conditions can be met, then either a) you need to work on trust and courage or b) your partner is creating conditions hostile to trust. Or both. Brene Brown has some really great wisdom on courage & vulnerability: bit.ly/BC-brene-brown. Unfortunately, she’s so popular that all the books at BC Libraries are currently checked out. She’s also got some TedTalks and a recent Netflix special worth watching.