The rightness of Mr. Right (your compatibility) is far more important than his richness. (If you marry for money, you earn every cent, as they say.) Just be your honest self and keep making friends, and Mr. Right will turn up. I know folks who didn’t marry until their 30’s, and they’re some of the happiest folks I know.
How to walk out of a broken relationship? I just broke up with my boyfriend. ?
That can hurt a lot, even if you’re doing the breaking up. Everybody handles that differently, but general advice is to take extra good care of yourself for a while: good food, good sleep, whatever else makes you feel taken care of. Maybe resist the urge to do a rebound relationship for a bit, unless that’s what you need. Give yourself some time to be sad, or angry, or to feel any other way you do. No really wrong answers here, and none that don’t at least sorta suck. Be well, I’ll be here.
I’ve met my share of dumb boys, girls, walls, floors, ceilings… Sounds like you’ve had a frustrating experience with a male human, or perhaps several. It’s certainly true that research points to some men not being socialized to value emotional intelligence as highly as some women. Is that what you’re talking about? You might be interested in the book Why Smart People Can Be So Stupid, by Robert Sternberg (O’Neill Library BF431 .W535 2002).
No matter how much you still love her, I bet there are lots of reasons why you aren’t together any more. Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings, but gently remind yourself each time of all the other things that got in the way of your relationship. It will take time, but the love and the hurt will both dull and eventually go away.
Make a list of her likes and hobbies. Try to come up with a couple of items or experiences that line up with each of those, then narrow it down to one thing that fits your budget and the occasion. Don’t forget to wrap it and while a card isn’t completely necessary, I bet she’d like one. Keep adding to the list as stuff comes up throughout the year, so you’re prepared for the gift-giving holidays to come!
Hey Wall,
So my parents are getting a divorce. I know. Really sucks. But the real problem is this: Should I live with my mom or my dad? My mom got our house, so my dad got an apartment that’s pretty crappy. But I like my dad
better. So should I live in his crappy apartment just because I love him? On one other note, my mom’s a better cook than my dad. So should I go with her because of the better house and food and not because I like her? Oh,also, my annoying little brother already chose to live with my mom. So I don’t like my mom OR my brother, I would just be living w/those two for the good food and nice house. That seems a little selfish to me, don’t you think, wall? But this means that if I lived with my dad, I would be happier without my mom and brother, but the house and food is bad. What do you think, wall? Oh, also, wall! I have this girlfriend, and she’s, like, super rich. I recently proposed to her, but I’m starting to think deeper. Do I really love her? Or am I just marrying her for her money. Wall, marriage is a big step. How do you now if you love somebody? Do you just wake up one day and realize it? Or is it more complicated than that? I am so confused, wall! I also feelreally guilty, because I’m cheating on her with this other guy. I think I like him more than my rich gf, but I’m not really sure. He’s vegan and Buddhist. Now he gets me wondering, should I become vegan? Should I switch from orthodox Jewish to be a buddhist?My mom’s Jewish, so should I switch religions and give up my family for my boyfriend? Sounds like a good idea to me, but what do you think, Wall? We’ve been dating for about two weeks, so I think it’s time to make some changes. I’m also worriedabout what my family with think when I introduce my boyfriend to them. Maybe I should invite him for Thanksgiving, Wall, b/c its coming up. Although, he would not be able to eat anything, because he’s vegan. I’ve also been wondering, what is the meaning of life? And am I enough? I don’t know if I’m enough formy boyfriend. He’s pressuring me into doing something very serious, something I don’t think I’m ready for because I’ve never done it before. He wants me to become vegan. I feel really bad, because I eat cheeseburgers behind his back. Should I behind his back. Should I tell him? I really love cheeseburgers, and I can’t give them up. Wait! Is it possible to be a vegan that still eats cheeseburgers? This gets me thinking that I might need to break up with him. Or should I just bevegan and buddhist to make him happy, and give up on my family? Okay, just one more thing. My dog pooped in my bed the other day. Wall, where do you think is the best placeto get good, cheap detergent around here? I don’t have any and I’ve been wearing the same underwear for a week. I’ve also been sleeping on the floor. So I could really use an answer to the detergent question.
You have an overwhelming number of important questions; you probably feel more than a little overwhelmed. I recommend talking many of these issues through with someone who can be both sympathetic and objective, and help you determine priorities for addressing and making sense of them. Counseling Services would be a good place to start: bit.ly/BC-counseling. For the dog poop I recommend any detergent plus oxy-clean or bleach, both available at any local grocery or drug store.
Girl WTF
It can certainly be startling to see someone else’s internal monologue. Many of us are walking (or standing) around with such internal voices; it takes bravery to make it public, even anonymously, because you never know how people will respond. I was a little surprised myself, but it’s never a mistake to be compassionate.
I was in a toxic relationship that has ruin my life in high school? We were both going to come here, but then she cheated on me. Worse of all, the guy was bad looking, which made me insecure about myself! I made a deal to not date anyone in college for 2 yrs! And the year is almost approaching! When I talk to a beautiful girl, I instantly judge her as a slut in the back of my head! And I know I shouldn’t but seeing girls today & even now in our campus cheat on their bf further proves to me that maybe love doesn’t exist! Even body count seems important to me, how can I love my future wife knowing thatshe may have had 10 partners! I feel like I’m more nice to the unattractive girls bc’s I feel secure that they don’t cheat & are loyal people. Can anyone help!
I’m sorry someone you loved abused your trust. It can be hard to rebuild enough trust to connect with other people after an event like that. I recommend talking to someone at Counseling Services (bit.ly/BC-counseling) or Campus Ministry (bit.ly/bc-pastoral-counseling) to help you rebuild the capacity for trust and creating loving, nurturing, and mutually-beneficial relationships.
Idk about you guys but I feel like the art of a relationship is dying out (Yeah yeah call me cronin) but someday I feel like myself am just incompatible with others romantically. Any advice
Well, you already know about Professor Cronin, so you could try following her advice – or just take it from me, a Wall who has seen many things; the daily details of building a relationship may change a bit through the ages, but people will continue to need other people. Be brave, but also patient. Wishing you love.
How do I get pretty girls to like me? -Asking for a friendNot asking for a friend. How do I get boys to like me?
A certain number of people will like, dislike, and be indifferent to you after they’ve gotten to know you a little. The trick is to make sure more people get the introduction. It’s a much better idea to be yourself than to try to make yourself into what you think someone else thinks they want. Be patient, be kind to yourself. The Wall assures you that there are many possible someones for everyone. So: go say hi to one new person today, or say hello to someone you’ve talked to before. Talk to them about anything other than whether you like each other. Tomorrow: repeat.
Every practicing Catholic girl’s question: what should you do if you fall in love with your guy friend who is discerning priesthood? (Thank you for answering 🙂
Tell him. Friendship is about honesty; if you don’t, your friendship will suffer. But it’s possible he’s quite committed, so be prepared for disappointment. And in case of disappointment, be prepared to help return your friendship to an even keel, because telling him shouldn’t mean the end of a friendship. (Also: better that his resolve be tested now than after he goes through all the work to become a priest!)
I expect they are somewhat oblivious to you, unless you are in their environment and they perceive you as a predator or other threat. You could ask them, but like the song says, “They won’t answer, they can’t talk.”
probably not. sorry.Also. I’m the fisher in this area. You can’t fish here.
Sounds territorial. But there’s plenty of fishing in O’Neill, try the SH call numbers, Level 3, Shelf 128.
How do I ask a girl out? What is your best pick up line?
Politely. And preferably without a cheesy line – those don’t tend to go over well in most situations. I always recommend asking someone to hang out over coffee on a first date. It’s low pressure, can be short if it’s not going well, long if it is, and there are no awkward moments where someone has their mouth full of food trying to answer a question. Although I will admit to liking the line, “If you were a library book, I would check you out.”
I’m guessing something bad happened to you recently; I’m really sorry to hear that. Everyone sucks a little bit sometimes, and men are no exception to that for sure. I hope you find someone really great (or find out more about yourself in the process). *wall hugs*
Alternate Answers: men may particularly suck because 1) toxic masculinity teaches men to repress their feelings + refuse vulnerability, resulting in violence toward others 2) patriarchy and androcentrism mal-form men into distorted senses of their own power + authority over others, esp. womenAlternate – Toxic Masculinity isn’t a thing and claiming it is harms men (& women for that matter) everywhere
Here are a thousand books on the topic in O’Neill Library: bit.ly/BC-books-masculinity. I recommend, for those who doubt that there are forms of masculinity that are a problem, Men Explain Things to Me, by Rebecca Solnit (O’Neill Library & Social Work Library HQ1155 .S667 2014). I recommend for those who would classify all forms of masculinity as a problem Niall Hanlon’s Masculinities, Care and Equality (O’Neill Library BF692.5 .H36 2012)
Thanks for the book recommendations on both sides of the topic, I’ll look into them. you rock answer wall!
You’re welcome! And thanks for the compliment (Blushing!) The way I roll is not so much seeing “both sides” as being aware that there are many, many perspectives. I contain multitudes. (Of books!)
What’s a fun, random + cheap activity I can do with my friends on a weekday?
It depends on your definition of “fun” and “cheap”! I can think of a few: visiting local museums, Seeing a movie on a Tuesday–many theatres offer tickets for $7 or less– paint nights–locations vary–and a fun event this month is a Glow Boston Fall Fest 09/26/19–low priced tickets can be found on groupon for this and paint nights.
Maybe start small – “Want to go get a cup of coffee after class?” and proceed from there. Have courage, and don’t react defensively if she says no. Best wishes!
Best make-out spots on campus? Asking for a friend 😉
What you need is walls. 4 of them is best. And a door that closes and locks. Failing that, find shadows and places with low foot-traffic if you don’t like sudden surprises. I’m rather stationary, myself, and my assistants are all blessed with their own walls and doors, so I don’t have any first- or second-hand experience. I recommend asking other humans in the same boat.
I met this guy over the summer and we had a fling. I really like him and were still talking now. But he goes to school in the UK. Should I give up and stop talking to him?
Friends are not something to squander. You might not want to enter into a serious relationship with him right now, but why not remain friendly and in contact?
Just broked up with my ex because I am really tired of him and there is no love anymore. But he cried and said I broke his heart that he will never love again. Now I feel supper guilty but he also did terrible things to me before… Don’t know what to do.
Ouch. Breakups are hard. Have you heard of Suzy Welch’s Rule of 10-10-10? One of my helpers told me about this gem found on oprah.com (bit.ly/welch-10-10-10) Basically if you’re in a tough spot about a decision and you feel like you can’t make everyone happy, think about the consequences in 10-10-10. How will this decision make you feel in 10 minutes, in 10 months, and in 10 years. Be well.
Can you help me get a date with a girl on uprising? (redacted name?)
Can I help in a direct way, like intervene on your behalf, perhaps write eloquent love poems for you? No. My advice is the same for starting any relationship. Start small: coffee, locally. Be friendly, be direct & honest, respect boundaries, and be yourself. If it works, it works, if it doesn’t, move on. (BTW, I’ve got a policy of no names, which is why it’s crossed out.)