Answering questions at Boston College O’Neill Library
The rightness of Mr. Right (your compatibility) is far more important than his richness. (If you marry for money, you earn every cent, as they say.) Just be your honest self and keep making friends, and Mr. Right will turn up. I know folks who didn’t marry until their 30’s, and they’re some of the happiest folks I know.
That can hurt a lot, even if you’re doing the breaking up. Everybody handles that differently, but general advice is to take extra good care of yourself for a while: good food, good sleep, whatever else makes you feel taken care of. Maybe resist the urge to do a rebound relationship for a bit, unless that’s what you need. Give yourself some time to be sad, or angry, or to feel any other way you do. No really wrong answers here, and none that don’t at least sorta suck. Be well, I’ll be here.
I’ve met my share of dumb boys, girls, walls, floors, ceilings… Sounds like you’ve had a frustrating experience with a male human, or perhaps several. It’s certainly true that research points to some men not being socialized to value emotional intelligence as highly as some women. Is that what you’re talking about? You might be interested in the book Why Smart People Can Be So Stupid, by Robert Sternberg (O’Neill Library BF431 .W535 2002).
No matter how much you still love her, I bet there are lots of reasons why you aren’t together any more. Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings, but gently remind yourself each time of all the other things that got in the way of your relationship. It will take time, but the love and the hurt will both dull and eventually go away.
Make a list of her likes and hobbies. Try to come up with a couple of items or experiences that line up with each of those, then narrow it down to one thing that fits your budget and the occasion. Don’t forget to wrap it and while a card isn’t completely necessary, I bet she’d like one. Keep adding to the list as stuff comes up throughout the year, so you’re prepared for the gift-giving holidays to come!
You have an overwhelming number of important questions; you probably feel more than a little overwhelmed. I recommend talking many of these issues through with someone who can be both sympathetic and objective, and help you determine priorities for addressing and making sense of them. Counseling Services would be a good place to start: bit.ly/BC-counseling. For the dog poop I recommend any detergent plus oxy-clean or bleach, both available at any local grocery or drug store.
It can certainly be startling to see someone else’s internal monologue. Many of us are walking (or standing) around with such internal voices; it takes bravery to make it public, even anonymously, because you never know how people will respond. I was a little surprised myself, but it’s never a mistake to be compassionate.
I’m sorry someone you loved abused your trust. It can be hard to rebuild enough trust to connect with other people after an event like that. I recommend talking to someone at Counseling Services (bit.ly/BC-counseling) or Campus Ministry (bit.ly/bc-pastoral-counseling) to help you rebuild the capacity for trust and creating loving, nurturing, and mutually-beneficial relationships.
Well, you already know about Professor Cronin, so you could try following her advice – or just take it from me, a Wall who has seen many things; the daily details of building a relationship may change a bit through the ages, but people will continue to need other people. Be brave, but also patient. Wishing you love.
A certain number of people will like, dislike, and be indifferent to you after they’ve gotten to know you a little. The trick is to make sure more people get the introduction. It’s a much better idea to be yourself than to try to make yourself into what you think someone else thinks they want. Be patient, be kind to yourself. The Wall assures you that there are many possible someones for everyone. So: go say hi to one new person today, or say hello to someone you’ve talked to before. Talk to them about anything other than whether you like each other. Tomorrow: repeat.
Tell him. Friendship is about honesty; if you don’t, your friendship will suffer. But it’s possible he’s quite committed, so be prepared for disappointment. And in case of disappointment, be prepared to help return your friendship to an even keel, because telling him shouldn’t mean the end of a friendship. (Also: better that his resolve be tested now than after he goes through all the work to become a priest!)
I expect they are somewhat oblivious to you, unless you are in their environment and they perceive you as a predator or other threat. You could ask them, but like the song says, “They won’t answer, they can’t talk.”
Sounds territorial. But there’s plenty of fishing in O’Neill, try the SH call numbers, Level 3, Shelf 128.
Politely. And preferably without a cheesy line – those don’t tend to go over well in most situations. I always recommend asking someone to hang out over coffee on a first date. It’s low pressure, can be short if it’s not going well, long if it is, and there are no awkward moments where someone has their mouth full of food trying to answer a question. Although I will admit to liking the line, “If you were a library book, I would check you out.”
Yay! It’s wonderful to find someone you find attractive on the inside and out.
I’m guessing something bad happened to you recently; I’m really sorry to hear that. Everyone sucks a little bit sometimes, and men are no exception to that for sure. I hope you find someone really great (or find out more about yourself in the process). *wall hugs*
Here are a thousand books on the topic in O’Neill Library: bit.ly/BC-books-masculinity. I recommend, for those who doubt that there are forms of masculinity that are a problem, Men Explain Things to Me, by Rebecca Solnit (O’Neill Library & Social Work Library HQ1155 .S667 2014). I recommend for those who would classify all forms of masculinity as a problem Niall Hanlon’s Masculinities, Care and Equality (O’Neill Library BF692.5 .H36 2012)
You’re welcome! And thanks for the compliment (Blushing!) The way I roll is not so much seeing “both sides” as being aware that there are many, many perspectives. I contain multitudes. (Of books!)
It depends on your definition of “fun” and “cheap”! I can think of a few: visiting local museums, Seeing a movie on a Tuesday–many theatres offer tickets for $7 or less– paint nights–locations vary–and a fun event this month is a Glow Boston Fall Fest 09/26/19–low priced tickets can be found on groupon for this and paint nights.
Maybe start small – “Want to go get a cup of coffee after class?” and proceed from there. Have courage, and don’t react defensively if she says no. Best wishes!
What you need is walls. 4 of them is best. And a door that closes and locks. Failing that, find shadows and places with low foot-traffic if you don’t like sudden surprises. I’m rather stationary, myself, and my assistants are all blessed with their own walls and doors, so I don’t have any first- or second-hand experience. I recommend asking other humans in the same boat.
Friends are not something to squander. You might not want to enter into a serious relationship with him right now, but why not remain friendly and in contact?
Ouch. Breakups are hard. Have you heard of Suzy Welch’s Rule of 10-10-10? One of my helpers told me about this gem found on oprah.com (bit.ly/welch-10-10-10) Basically if you’re in a tough spot about a decision and you feel like you can’t make everyone happy, think about the consequences in 10-10-10. How will this decision make you feel in 10 minutes, in 10 months, and in 10 years. Be well.
Can I help in a direct way, like intervene on your behalf, perhaps write eloquent love poems for you? No. My advice is the same for starting any relationship. Start small: coffee, locally. Be friendly, be direct & honest, respect boundaries, and be yourself. If it works, it works, if it doesn’t, move on. (BTW, I’ve got a policy of no names, which is why it’s crossed out.)
