Answering questions at Boston College O’Neill Library
![Why is my friend [redacted] asking for money in venmo?](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/032018-2.jpg)
That’s a pretty uncomfortable situation! Financial services like Venmo which have a social media aspect, and promote payments between friends, can be such a useful thing when sharing bills, or selling items. But when a friend is asking for money on them, it’s hard to know how to respond. How would you respond if your friend was asking for money in person?
Unfortunately, it is all too common to see a loved one make a romantic choice that you may not agree with. There isn’t a lot you can do in this situation, but my advise is that you continue to be there for your friend. This does not mean you have to lie about how you feel about the guy your friend is dating or spend time with him, but just be there for your friend. Talk about other things and try to spend time together away from the guy they are dating. And, if you think that the guy is toxic in a dangerous way, know that there are support structures available for you on campus, including Counseling Services (bit.ly/BC-counseling).
Here’s what I said in answer to this in November: “Let’s just get one thing out of the way: It absolutely does NOT mean never having to say you’re sorry, Erich Segal’s Love Story notwithstanding. (For more on the profound interaction we call apology, read Aaron Lazare’s On Apology: BF575 .A75 L39 2004.) There are at least as many dimensions to love as there are words for it in all the world’s languages. In an answer last spring, I pointed out that the ancient Greek word “agape” means love that expects nothing in return: bit.ly/AW-agape. I’ve also pointed out that it’s helpful to recall that love is a verb, and calls you to do things for people: bit.ly/AW-love-feeling.”
Unless, like me, you are positioned permanently in a public place, you’re probably going to have to go out to make friends, even ones you meet online. One popular strategy is to pick something you’re interested in that other people do, and go do that. Join a club, volunteer for a charity, go to events sponsored by BC or other groups on campus. Some humans find Meetups helpful, and there are Boston-area meetups on anything and everything. Be yourself. If all of that seems like too much, try saying hello to one new person a day. When that gets comfortable, try starting a conversation with them.
Ah… sigh… I’m flattered. My love for you all is intense, but more of the agape or filial nature. If you are having trouble finding a human with my winning qualities, keep in mind that in addition to my divine mind, I have the freedom to mull over questions for a while–often a day or more–before answering. Humans do tend to want answers from other humans a little more quickly than I can provide. Find yourself someone with my winning qualities, but perhaps a little less deliberative & silent. And a body. I’m told embodiment is kind of intrinsic to romance.
Of course you’re hesitant: complicating a romance with intercultural mixed signals & the prospect of long distances could be intimidating. But it comes down to a simple choice: You can a) just dive in, even if it means changing your FB relationship status to “it’s complicated,” or b) always wonder what your life would have been like if you’d just thrown caution to the wind.
![Why [redacted name] is a [redacted expletive]?](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/aw031518-4.jpg)
If [redacted name] has done something to anger you, I recommend either letting them know exactly what it was, or just avoiding them. There’s very little to be gained–other than brief but likely dissatisfying emotional release–from calling someone an [expletive]. I hope you if you can’t find closure of some kind, you can at least stop renting space in your head to [redacted name].
You’re not alone, it’s a Res Life frequently asked question. They say: “If you would like to find roommates with whom you can enter the room selection process, contact your Resident Director. Another option is to enter into Final Selection, which is the last event for room selection. On the designated days for final selection, students may register themselves into this process via the housing application on “My ResLife” in the Agora Portal. Over the summer, we will place the students from Final Selection into housing assignments, doing our best to work with any preferences indicated within a student’s housing application.” (bit.ly/ResLifeFAQ)
Ahhh. Fake smiles, white lies, and contextual personae. These social falsehoods may seem bad but in fact help keep social situations and relationships strong. Unlike “big lies”, these “little lies” in effect say that our relationship is more important than anything else. Also, people can be hesitant to bring up the “real,” because it risks causing someone–maybe even the speaker–to lose face.
![Does he like me back? [reply] Ask him! It's better to be honest than to leave it unsaid. I know from experience](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/aw031418-1.jpg)
Very Blunt Girl has good advice. If you’re looking for certainty before you ask, you’ll never know. However, it’s wise to prepare for disappointment by letting a few good friends know what you’re about ask. Then, if the answer is no, they’ll be ready with support.
So many possibilities: he was prevaricating about disliking her before, he still dislikes her but is attracted to her anyway (really not unusual), he changed his mind about her, she got a Bugatti for Christmas…. All I can say it it’s not your circus, not your monkeys (anymore!) Wishing you peace of mind.
I’ve never understood human behavior all that well. If I had arms, the first thing I’d do is hug everyone. Well, OK, the first thing I’d do is ask. Maybe you could carry around a few of these children’s books on hugging as a way to instruct your bros: bit.ly/BC-hugging. But it’s all in how you frame it. Maybe “Bro, how about a hug?” would work better than “Bro, time for snuggle wuggle.” You also might be interested in reading about changing notions of masculinity, such as bell hooks’ The Will to Change (O’Neill Library HQ1090 .H66 2004 – currently unavailable, click “request book” to get a copy through interlibrary loan).
Sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is just to be there for them. Let them know that you are there to talk, help, offer support, etc. And, try to do so in a supportive and non-judgmental way. However, if you think that their problem is a more serious one with which they need professional help, do know that there are services on campus that are available to both of you. You may want to talk to Counseling Services (bit.ly/BC-counseling) yourself or you may want to encourage your friend to do so.
Unfortunately, I am just a wall, not a Magic 8 Ball, so I can’t make any promises, but I can tell you that I think you will find success and fulfillment in life. It can be easy to be stressed about the big picture issues like jobs and relationships, but try to focus on what you can control. Take steps towards deciding what type of career you want and then talk to the BC Career Center (bit.ly/BC-career) about how to make it happen. And, instead of focusing solely on finding love immediately, look to build strong friendships and relationships while on your path to love.
Merci, je t’aime aussi.
Luckily, both Spring Break and the Easter long weekend are coming up soon. Can you schedule a trip home during one of those breaks? In the meantime, try calling, FaceTiming, Skyping, or emailing your friends and family back home or putting up pictures from home to help bring a piece of home to the BC campus. Homesickness is a natural part of many people’s college experience, so whatever you decide to do, know that many people are struggling with this same feeling. If the struggle is getting you down and none of these suggestions help, you might want to talk to Counseling Services (bit.ly/BC-counseling) as well.
You’re being too hard on yourself. Breaking up a friendship because someone does something super terrible to you does not make you a bitch or unkind or unethical! Take some of your lifelong training to be kind and turn it inward. Maybe at some point you’ll feel that you can forgive her (and maybe not), but it’s really OK to not be ready to do that now. If this is tearing you up inside and making you miserable, please consider talking to someone more 3 dimensional than me, at Counseling Services bit.ly/BC-counseling.
Postcards in the internet age?! Please introduce me to your retro friend if they ever visit BC! I can’t explain why the postcards stopped coming, but it should be easy for you to find out. Send them a postcard 🙂
Ah. But what if your friend could become your world? Making the decision to risk a friendship for something more is tough. But this is a classic example of “nothing ventured, nothing gained”. There’s no guarantee that you would lose the friendship if the relationship goes poorly. And there’s no guarantee the friendship would survive whether there’s a relationship or not. We don’t know what the future holds, but it would be a shame to look back and wonder what could have been.
Oh friend, my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry about Cypress. Wishing you peace and the comfort of the memories of your good times together.
