Hello, it’s me again. I decided to come out to my mother first on the coming-out day, for being gay.

But I am not sure if this day is in Europe too. May you tell me? And may I get some feedback on my idea: I think about writing a letter, printing it and putting it in an envelope. And then leaving the envelope on the table in the living room. I want to bake/cook something too, but I am not sure if I will have the chance to do so, so I will try to buy something sweet to eat secretly. I am imagining that I find a way to put everything on the table, without her and my brother knowing and going with my brother to school. But first, I don’t know if the school will be online or not. And I can’t get any ideas of how I can secretly put everything on the table. I think about putting a piece of paper, telling to look in the closet (that would be pretty symbolic) where I have already put everything, but my brother might find it as well. And I am still not 100% sure that I wan to do it this way. Writing a letter would be easier for me, but won’t it be better to say it directly or giving her time to process the information. With a letter, I would tell her everything and discourage things she might things about why I am this way, that aren’t true. And the thing that is concerning me is that I read too many coming out stories and that the thing I am imagining may be absolutely different from reality and what is concerning me, even more, is that I may backfire myself or that the day may not be good for this and etc. There is still plenty of time till the eleventh of October, but I want to have a plan that makes me feel more confident. Sorry if all this is confusing.

National Coming Out Day is celebrated on October 11th in many countries. It may be different where you are, so you might need to do a little searching to see if it falls on a different day. Also, if a different day works better for you, go for it- I doubt your mother will care what day you tell her. Regarding your ideas for telling your mother, you should do what is right for you, but because you are questioning it, I think you may be complicating it. I would forget the “how” of telling your mother and focus on the “what” you want to tell her. I recommend writing it down so you are clear what you want to say. You can then use it to prepare for the talk, or you could just read it to her. I do not recommend leaving it for her to read at a time when you are not right there to answer her questions. That seems a little unfair to her, and you lose the ability to explain anything she might misunderstand.

I know how to come out now and what to say, thank you for helping me, but there is 1 thing that I am not sure about: Should I tell her I know she already knows?

It is best not to assume what she knows and doesn’t know. You should tell her what you want her to know and answer any questions she has. It is also okay if you don’t have answers to her questions- this is all new to you, and it’s fine to be uncertain.

Don’t be so complicated; just tell your mom who you are. I’m pretty sure she loves you… don’t you think she loves you??? Of course she does, and she does to the point you don’t know!!! She knows already who you are, she carried you for 9 month in her womb, she educated you, she leaned from your crying, she took and still takes care of you. Just take her to your room, hug her and tell her how much you love her, and feel thankful for all she’s done for you. And then tell her, “ mom since I came to know myself better, after a long time of reflection I have come accept myself the way I am… I feel I am homosexual… I have been feeling that way since… and it brings me peace that you know it. I know I can count on you as I continue growing and maturing as man!! Know I’ll be alright…” idk you can add more. But again don’t be complicated. If you leave letters or things like that are not truly, in my humble opinion, assuming why responsibility who you are. If you are capable of telling directly to your mom this, she will have also the confidence you’re maturing and becoming a responsable man and it will bring her peace too. If you wanna talk, we can meet at BC. I’m student too.

I always assume I don’t know the whole story, and the person telling it knows it better than me. But you’re right, I think, that it’s a distraction to dwell too much on the details of delivery. Much love to anyone who takes a risk like this on a foundational relationship. It’s hard. It’s necessary, but it’s hard. I wish for all children coming out to parents all the courage and support they need.