Answering questions at Boston College O’Neill Library
![How do I convince [redacted] to marry me](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/020818-2.jpg)
I wish you luck. I also wish you patience & respect. Your beloved will make their own decision in their own time. I hope for your sake it’s you. I hope for their sake that whatever they decide, it’s right for them.
Ah, love… I hear there’s a special day coming up, one on which humans declare their love for each other. Just make sure you don’t miss it! It’s a Wednesday. (But you don’t need to wait until then to tell your inamorato your feelings!)
Sometimes autism makes it hard to understand what others are thinking, including whether or not they want to be your friend. I suggest you start off being around people with similar interests (clubs, classes, hobbies, etc.). If someone in that group seems like friend-material, spend more time with them. Let the friendship grow slowly. Understand that some people have many friends and others have only a few. Those with many friends may not always have time to spend with you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like you. As you get comfortable with a friend, let them know about your autism and how it affects your interactions with others. Being up front about that will help them know how to be a better friend. There are many websites with advice for people with autism. Just like with my advice, you should try what feels comfortable and don’t do something just because it was suggested.
Thank you original poster for spreading awareness … and thanks to subsequent posters for your replies. The Wall feels blessed to be part of a community where people care for each other. <3 <3 <3
There are many books on the subject of jealousy around the call number BF575.J4, such as Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures. Jealousy is an apprehensive, fearful emotional state that comes from a lack of trust. If you find you’re often jealous, you need to work on trust. The counseling office (bit.ly/BC-counseling) can help. If this is a specific situation with a specific person, have they done something to abuse your trust? If so, it’s unlikely you can overcome that without some effort from them. If not, then work on trust.
I found love in the HQ801s, up on the fourth floor. But I’m not sure you’d find an easy answer there. Skimming through relationship advice columns, I culled some pointers: listen actively, learn new things about your partner, watch romantic movies together… And give it some time – feelings ebb and flow.
While there are places and apps that make hooking up easy, they don’t work well for someone trying to find a meaningful same-sex relationship. The best way to find a partner is the same for any gender configuration– join groups that bring together people that share your interests or ask friends to introduce you to potential mates. Above all be casual about the process; it always takes longer than you want. Just remember that there is someone out there who is also looking for you, and you will find each other. You might start with BC resources: bit.ly/BCLGBTQ and even the Commonwealth has a website for LGBTQ youth:Â bit.ly/MA-lgbtq
I will absolutely be your Valentine, dear human. Please understand, though, that I may be a Valentine for others as well, because I deeply believe that love provides the best foundation.
Think of all the risks, and become more comfortable with them. Then just dive in, and say, “Will you be my valentine?” Some kind of object imbued with human sentiments of romance (chocolates, flowers… or perhaps a book, for bookish types…) might sweeten the deal.
If two people have mutually agreed to be in a polyamorous relationship, then having a relationship with another person isn’t “shady” at all. Although they may have rules about openness and honesty that are being violated. It sounds like at least one person in the relationship isn’t actually comfortable with the polyamory, which is something they may want to discuss. However, if the relationship truly is polyamorous, then snooping would be a violation of trust and privacy. It is possible for both people to be at fault here: Person A for snooping and Person B for cheating (if the relationship isn’t an open one). Both need to take responsibility for their actions if they want the relationship to move past this.
Being there for others requires knowing when someone wants you there. It is easy to help people who ask for help, so be alert to what people aren’t saying. It’s okay to ask questions as long as you don’t pry (okay, if they seem distressed maybe pry a little). Alternatively, if you know someone needs help and you aren’t there for them, ask yourself why- pry a little into yourself. Understanding what someone really needs and overcoming your reasons for not helping will go a long way in being there for others.
Am I wrong in thinking humans find boyfriends under cabbage leaves? This is what my parents told me. Perhaps there are many potential boyfriends *not* under cabbage leaves. I should think finding them would be something like finding friends: speak to a variety, and when you find common interests, let more conversations follow. Keep in mind, however, that I am a Wall, and Walls might not act quite like humans.
My understanding is that hookups can happen with people someone knows well or with people they just met. There doesn’t seem to be a social protocol around this issue. So, you should wait until YOU are comfortable approaching him about having a hookup. Then it’s up to him to tell you whether or not HE is comfortable. The key is for both of you to wait until you are both comfortable and not under the influence of substances or external pressures.
♪ ♪ Dime si conmigo quiere hacer travesuras, ah
Que se ha vuelto una locura
Y tu esta bien dura
Y no me puedo contener…
Y no me puedo contener… ♪ ♪
Oh, thank you! The Wall is flattered, but is already in a permanent relationship with the other walls of O’Neill.
Sheer poetry! Everyone should adopt a resolution like this. The Answer Wall loves stillness, and though I enjoy settling, building engineers tell me settling walls and foundations can cause structural problems. But you humans, please enjoy settling into your communities, and please enjoy stillness. I can’t recommend stillness enough. You might enjoy the book The Art of Stillness: Adventures in Going Nowhere, by the travel writer Pico Iyer. (O’Neill and TML Libraries BJ1496 .I84 2014)
![NY's resolution: Ask out _____ ______ [redacted]](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/aw011818-5.jpg)
That’s a S.M.A.R.T. goal: Specific, Measurable, Assignable… OK, not sure how Realistic, but why worry? And you didn’t specify a Timeframe; hopefully, you won’t use that as a way to avoid your fears by putting it off indefinitely. Good luck! (Sorry about the black pen: no names on the Wall, please.)
It’s a really good idea to be open to a broad array of relationships: there are many kinds of love other than romantic. I’ve never really understood the phrase “just friends.” Friends are the ones who have your back for years, perhaps even a lifetime, while most romances, though intense, are temporary. The Greeks counted many types of love: friendship, empathic, erotic, and universal are the ones C.S. Lewis wrote about in The Four Loves. (O’Neill call number BV4639 .L45 1988). A Psychology Today article lists 7: bit.ly/7-types-of-love. May you learn to find the love you need.
I bet that will make you both happier and more productive – great resolution. You could start small, maybe no screens at meals or for a set period each day, and see how that works for you. I hope you will enjoy living outside of the Internet!
Spending more time with friends, whether from work or elsewhere, is always a good idea for humans & Walls. I like to spend time with my friend Express Yo’Self (bit.ly/express-yoself) through facetime. Being nicer is always better than being meaner. Just ask Monte Irvin: Nice Guys Finish First. (O’Neill Library call number: GV865.I78 A3x 1996)
What a laudable goal! One path is to figure out what’s getting in the way of presence: work, social media, conflict avoidance, fear of intimacy, or just a habit of not being present. It’s also worthwhile just asking the ones you love what’s on their minds, or complimenting them. Sometimes, for instance, I take my friend the 3rd Floor for granted, but I should be more present. Floor, I love the way you withstand thousands of footsteps daily without complaint. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a good book about mindfulness and love:Â Teachings on Love. (O’Neill Library, Call number:Â BQ4360 .N4713 1998)
