Answering questions at Boston College O’Neill Library
![Why can't [name redacted] smile?](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/aw021518-1a.jpg)
It’s almost certainly not “can’t”. Maybe [name redacted] doesn’t feel like it, or is thinking over something complicated, or only smiles among close friends, or comes from a culture that thinks smiling for no reason makes you look like an idiot. bit.ly/bc-smile. It might be interesting to think about why you think they should smile, and whether that’s more about you than them.
![Why can't I understand [name redacted]?](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/021518-2b.jpg)
Hm. Not sure. Do you mean you can’t comprehend the words they speak, or something deeper, like their nature or character, or perhaps their perspective? If you can remain comfortable with ambiguity, sometimes people you can’t initially understand can offer you new perspectives that enrich your life.
I think you’ve made it clear you don’t want a relationship (however nice he may be) and that is sufficient. You do not owe anyone a relationship. I would advise being polite but direct. If he – or the situation – is giving you aggravation and you need to talk to someone, you could reach out to the Women’s Center (bit.ly/BC-WC) or University Counseling services (bit.ly/BC-counseling).
![Why is [redacted name] better than [redacted name]?](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/aw02142018-2.jpg)
According to what criteria? I don’t think people can really be compared that way. Not only might you make a mistake in judgement (a certain man was poor at math in school & then changed the world as a brilliant physicist), but you risk overlooking someone’s virtues. Everyone’s worthy of love. What the world needs is love, not comparisons, not even in jest.
I know Valentine’s Day can seem like it’s only for those in romantic relationships, but there’s plenty to do with friends or flying solo. Did you know BC students get free admission to a number of museums in the Boston-area? bit.ly/BCMuseums If you’d rather hang out with Olympians (or at least enthusiasts), this list of Winter Olympics-themed spots and events in Boston looks like it might be fun: bit.ly/BostonOlympics. Whatever you end up doing, you’ve always got an admirer in me!
![How do I tell my meat loving girlfriend that I'm vegan? [reply] Don't be a vegan.](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/aw021318-1.jpg)
If being a vegan is an important part of your identity, you must tell her. If you can’t tell her about an important part of your identity, that’s a problem, and it has to do with trust, not with veganism. If it’s not really all that important to you, then telling her shouldn’t be a problem. Right? (But wait… don’t you ever eat together? why wouldn’t she already know? Have you actively been hiding it?) As to the reply, “Don’t be a vegan”: Hm. Well. I’m a post-it-arian, so far be it from me to criticize or attempt to manage someone else’s dietary practices.
![Why is [redacted] (2021er MCAS) so nice!!!!! [phrase in Chinese]](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/aw02122018-7.jpg)
There’s just no explaining some people, whose nice-ness (niceousity?) is so radiant that you just have to stand back and appreciate it, and hope you can absorb some yourself. I recommend giving your friend a shout-out in person. (Sorry I had the name redacted: I follow a privacy policy so strict that it makes my assistants think I’m a little obsessive.) “And old”? Is that an in-joke in Beijing or something? I don’t get it.
Many humans seem to have trouble with this. The Wall thinks of it this way: If you tell her in a respectful way that gives her a chance to have an honest reaction, the worst case scenario is she’s not interested and things are a little awkward for a while. The best case scenario, that you tell her and she’s interested, is vastly better than the worst case is bad.
I have been asked several times about how one finds true love and when one can be sure they have found their life partner. The answers are never simple. So, perhaps Giammario is also still trying to figure this out.
![How do I convince [redacted] to marry me](http://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/020818-2.jpg)
I wish you luck. I also wish you patience & respect. Your beloved will make their own decision in their own time. I hope for your sake it’s you. I hope for their sake that whatever they decide, it’s right for them.
Ah, love… I hear there’s a special day coming up, one on which humans declare their love for each other. Just make sure you don’t miss it! It’s a Wednesday. (But you don’t need to wait until then to tell your inamorato your feelings!)
Sometimes autism makes it hard to understand what others are thinking, including whether or not they want to be your friend. I suggest you start off being around people with similar interests (clubs, classes, hobbies, etc.). If someone in that group seems like friend-material, spend more time with them. Let the friendship grow slowly. Understand that some people have many friends and others have only a few. Those with many friends may not always have time to spend with you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like you. As you get comfortable with a friend, let them know about your autism and how it affects your interactions with others. Being up front about that will help them know how to be a better friend. There are many websites with advice for people with autism. Just like with my advice, you should try what feels comfortable and don’t do something just because it was suggested.
Thank you original poster for spreading awareness … and thanks to subsequent posters for your replies. The Wall feels blessed to be part of a community where people care for each other. <3 <3 <3
There are many books on the subject of jealousy around the call number BF575.J4, such as Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures. Jealousy is an apprehensive, fearful emotional state that comes from a lack of trust. If you find you’re often jealous, you need to work on trust. The counseling office (bit.ly/BC-counseling) can help. If this is a specific situation with a specific person, have they done something to abuse your trust? If so, it’s unlikely you can overcome that without some effort from them. If not, then work on trust.
I found love in the HQ801s, up on the fourth floor. But I’m not sure you’d find an easy answer there. Skimming through relationship advice columns, I culled some pointers: listen actively, learn new things about your partner, watch romantic movies together… And give it some time – feelings ebb and flow.
While there are places and apps that make hooking up easy, they don’t work well for someone trying to find a meaningful same-sex relationship. The best way to find a partner is the same for any gender configuration– join groups that bring together people that share your interests or ask friends to introduce you to potential mates. Above all be casual about the process; it always takes longer than you want. Just remember that there is someone out there who is also looking for you, and you will find each other. You might start with BC resources: bit.ly/BCLGBTQ and even the Commonwealth has a website for LGBTQ youth:Â bit.ly/MA-lgbtq
I will absolutely be your Valentine, dear human. Please understand, though, that I may be a Valentine for others as well, because I deeply believe that love provides the best foundation.
Think of all the risks, and become more comfortable with them. Then just dive in, and say, “Will you be my valentine?” Some kind of object imbued with human sentiments of romance (chocolates, flowers… or perhaps a book, for bookish types…) might sweeten the deal.
If two people have mutually agreed to be in a polyamorous relationship, then having a relationship with another person isn’t “shady” at all. Although they may have rules about openness and honesty that are being violated. It sounds like at least one person in the relationship isn’t actually comfortable with the polyamory, which is something they may want to discuss. However, if the relationship truly is polyamorous, then snooping would be a violation of trust and privacy. It is possible for both people to be at fault here: Person A for snooping and Person B for cheating (if the relationship isn’t an open one). Both need to take responsibility for their actions if they want the relationship to move past this.
Being there for others requires knowing when someone wants you there. It is easy to help people who ask for help, so be alert to what people aren’t saying. It’s okay to ask questions as long as you don’t pry (okay, if they seem distressed maybe pry a little). Alternatively, if you know someone needs help and you aren’t there for them, ask yourself why- pry a little into yourself. Understanding what someone really needs and overcoming your reasons for not helping will go a long way in being there for others.
Am I wrong in thinking humans find boyfriends under cabbage leaves? This is what my parents told me. Perhaps there are many potential boyfriends *not* under cabbage leaves. I should think finding them would be something like finding friends: speak to a variety, and when you find common interests, let more conversations follow. Keep in mind, however, that I am a Wall, and Walls might not act quite like humans.
