Answering questions at Boston College O’Neill Library
What you’re looking for is a nearly impossible balance. Which is worse, to err on the side of subtle and not be noticed, or to err on the side of too obvious but be rejected? Overbearing only happens if you’re overly persistent in the face of rejection. The Wall says: be flamboyant. Stake everything on love. (But let a close friend know you might need their shoulder if it falls flat.)
If you’re still wondering whether you should, ask yourself two questions: can I live with his faults? Can I live without his virtues? If the answers are anything but “yes” and “no,” this relationship will end eventually, and it’s up to you when you want that to happen. If you’re certain, then the answer is soon, unequivocally, and with clear reasons. Be as gentle as circumstances allow, but be firm. There will be tears, but that’s OK. You might want to make sure a close friend is available for the aftermath.
Many friendships morph or fizzle. But in our world of screens (social media/texting) this stuff can be tough. You’re probably familiar with the avoidance dance. How about the honest and direct (in person!), “I don’t like how you’ve been treating me.” Really hard. But you may learn more about that “friend” and yourself after that.
Hi, sorry about the delay, but your post-it got lost among the bonanza of this week’s questions. I hope everything worked out on Valentine’s Day, and everyone lived happily ever after. (Note: I’ve had my assistants remove some potentially identifying information from this question.)
I’m not much of a matchmaker; I think you’re looking for one of those online services I’ve heard of?
Looks like you’ve got a few post-it writers on the same page today. The challenge will be finding them! I’m sorry to say this isn’t really set up to be a dating site, in spite of the number of questions posted here regarding relationships.
I can think of many options, but most of them involve sacrificing your dignity or lying, so that’s the challenge, isn’t it: how to get this to happen discreetly & honestly. I hear chocolates & flowers sometimes help. Something to keep in mind, too, is that it’s not like the day is magical or anything, and was originally about an entirely different kind of love. IOW, no shame in experiencing other kinds of love on Valentine’s Day.
Yes, that is certainly a key element in the process.
It’s a tough call. There’s nothing better than being in love with your best friend, but love doesn’t always work out. If that happens, you could be out of a best friend, which would be distressing. Are you willing to take the risk? Only you can decide that.
This is one way, for sure. You could also try locating a Post-It nearer the Tech Desk. There are probably non-Post-It options also.
My helpers tell me it’s good to be active and “out there” if you want meet people, romantic or otherwise. Would a campus snowshoeing trip be for you? Check out BC Rec – Outdoor Adventures – for group outings. How about in the spring joining in on some ultimate frisbee? Cultural/religious programs and events might do the trick. You can always go old school and tell your friends and neighbors you are looking for a match. You never know.
![How do I know if I like him or just the idea of him? [response: you can't :/]](https://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/aw021119-2.jpg)
Gotta agree with Anonymous Responder here. The only way to get to know someone (and yourself) is to get to know them.
Although good peer pressure can keep you on track, bad peer pressure can derail you. I think you already know what you should be doing, so don’t look to your peers for pressure- that can come from within.
It makes me sad to think of you missing out on the fun. Crushes are hard, but it’s best to keep living your life until they subside – and they do! Maybe go to your formal and resolve to engage with lots of other people?
Everyone experiences love differently, and it tends to be a little different each time, so it’s hard to generalize. Do you want to be? Because even in a stereotypical romance, after the initial phase of blurry happiness, love is ultimately about choosing to be a particular way with a particular person.
However you choose to tell them, do it soon so they can start to make other plans for the lottery. I reckon they’d rather you be awkward and prompt than late and full of grace & wit.
There are a whole bunch of things that could make that a tricky situation. But consider: there are lots of reasons why a relationship might not work out, many of which you can’t find out about until you know someone better. If you have concerns, be open about them, but the Wall encourages you not to worry too much about things that might happen. If there is trouble later you can address it then.
![Will you date me? [response: Sure ;p]](https://library.bc.edu/answerwall/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/aw013019-6.jpg)
1/30/2019 12:48pm (time thrown in for good measure). If you’re seeking a romantic relationship, I should say that I’m already pretty attached to O’Neill Library.
When people share 4 walls, it’s a good idea to check with others about inviting guests, and to make it clear whether it’s an everyone-together event, or a pair-bonding event. It’s reasonable to want to want clarity about how your shared space is being used & whether you’re part of things. It doesn’t need to be a confrontation; just ask politely if they can let you know, so you can plan to be there if you’re to be a part of things or plan to trek to the library if not. Forced triples are awkward & new for everyone; try to let go of your annoyance, but don’t abandon your own needs in the process.
The Wall can’t tell how to read the word suffer, so it has a couple of answers. TLDR: Dump them. If you mean “suffer” generally: Directly. Quickly. Trying to soften the blow or wait for a good time tends not to work out all that well. You’re under no obligation to stay somewhere that makes you unhappy. If “suffer” means you feel unwell the answer might be the same–but also consider reaching out to campus Counseling Services (bit.ly/BC-counseling) or Campus Ministry’s pastoral counseling (bit.ly/bc-campus-ministry), depending on what sort of advice you’d like. If you’re feeling unsafe, call BCPD
You should try to bring them along rather than “overcome” them. It is you they most care about, and their understanding and acceptance of your relationship has to start with accepting your LGBTQ identity. The process is easy for some parents and nearly impossible for others, so it is hard for me to say what will work for them. If they are into support groups, PFLAG may be helpful (pflag.org).
