Answering questions at Boston College O’Neill Library
Perpetually lonely is not good. I highly recommend BC Counseling Services (https://bit.ly/BCUCSOptions) to get some support. But, I can say, don’t lose hope. Loneliness is not a permanent state, you will overcome this.
It’s official. The slang has eclipsed my ability to keep up.
Short lesson in pronouns*: “My” might be a turn-off for someone, so start thinking of them as a potential “you.” When you see someone for who they are, that’s validating. Some might even say “hot.”
*Technically, “my” is a determiner, the adjectival form of the pronoun “mine.”
Speaking honestly, but kindly. And, following up if you feel you have been misunderstood. Don’t let the misunderstanding continue.
We’re a great choice for a study date where you actually study.
There are many ideas about this, but generally try to actively listen to what someone is saying and show genuine interest in their lives. Have warm, positive body language (a brief smile with raised eyebrows and keeping eye contact for example) to make folks you interact with feel at ease. Be a bit vulnerable to show you are authentic and folks around you can be themselves. Expressing humor and finding points of connection are a bonus but take time and practice to get right.
Perhaps one way to decenter men in your daily life is to focus on building strong relationships with friends – especially female friends. Podcasters Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman wrote a book called “Big Friendship” a few years ago about the work that goes into sustaining those relationships (bit.ly/BigFriendshipBook), and Rhaina Cohen’s more recent “The Other Significant Others” considers the way our world could expand if we picked our friends to be our life partners (bit.ly/OtherSignificantOthersBook). Decentering men in other areas, such as workplaces or academia, requires tackling some entrenched historical systems. You might find this article on “Rooting Out the Masculine Defaults in Your Workplace,” which was written by two psychologists, an interesting place to start (bit.ly/MasculineDefaults).
If you are referring to a long-distance relationship, I did some research but could not find evidence that long-distance relationships work or don’t. However, this doesn’t mean it’s worth a try. Like any relationship, communication is key, so I first suggest finding a regular time for you and your partner to call or video-chat each other so that you don’t feel as far. Also, if either of you can afford it, I suggest planning to visit one another in person to maintain a physical connection. There’s also a few titles in our collection on long-distance relationships that are worth checking out: Maintaining long-distance and cross-residential Relationships by Laura Strafford (O’Neill Library Call # HM1106 .S753 2005), Dear John by Nicholas Sparks (O’Neill Library Call # PS3569.P363 D43 2024), and Landing by Emma Donoghue (O’Neill Library Call # PR6054 .O547 L36 2007)
If you’re talking about religious forgiveness, I suggest talking with a pastoral counselor (bit.ly/bc-pastoral-counseling). It might also be worth exploring restorative or transformative justice, and the kind of truth and reconciliation processes that helped make peace in S. Africa and Rwanda. One helper recommended On Repentance and Repair by Danya Ruttenberg (O’Neill Library Call # BL476.7 .R88 2022) for the point of view of the one who did harm and how to make amends. Another recommended Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace, by Miroslav Volf.
I’m sorry to hear you have some relationship struggles. Communication struggles are not impossible to overcome but do require patience. It’s hard to give relationship advice from my position as a wall, so I highly recommend talking to someone, perhaps in Counseling Services: bit.ly/BC-counseling
Spend more time with people generally. Go new places, do things you enjoy. Worry less about what kinds of friends you’re making, and make more friends.
Hm, with me and the front door, I just hung out here long enough that eventually they noticed me. Maybe just be around him a bunch? And be kind? And be yourself?
I don’t really understand this term “friendzone.” From my perspective more friendship is always positive.
Sorry about that, it’s an under-appreciated worst thing. 1) Feel your feelings. This is a kind of grief, so you might be sad or angry or a bunch of things. Give yourself space to feel that. 2) Take no for an answer. If you can be friends with them, great, but that might not feel OK to you. That’s fine. But the Hollywood storyline where you make them change their mind is not a good model here–IRL it’s at least borderline stalkery. 3) Live your life enthusiastically and you will meet many more lovely people, some of whom you’ll click with.
Oh, my human friends tell me this can be a tough transitional time. Some tips: limit your time on the Socials; explore a new BC club; and connect/reconnect with your friends. Hugs.
This is heavily dependent on circumstances. Humans get on each others’ nerves, so it isn’t necessarily something to take personally, but it is something to approach with curiosity and a little humility. What are people reacting to? Once you identify that you’ll have a clearer idea how to feel about it.
This tends to fall under “all’s fair in love and war” unless you have a particularly close relationship with either the boyfriend or who your roommate is cheating with. Support your friend even if you think it’s a bad idea. But the aged Wall will observe that there are reasons for the older tradition of not kissing and telling, and one of them is avoiding situations like this.
It’s a balancing act, and it’s hard to get right because it’s different for everyone and probably every friendship. Keep in touch with your old friends, but they’ll still be there in a few months if you put most of your effort into making new ones.
I don’t think there’s an easy fix to make missing someone less painful. Trying to video call regularly, finding ways to do things together virtually over distance, are two ways that can help mitigate some of the ache. But a lot of it is just missing someone for a lot of the time.
